I have a lasting memory of black and gold religious icons of a revered madonna. Mysterious, impassive, unjoyous. And I have abiding memories from my religious experiences of feeling that something about me was deeply wicked and unspeakable. Somehow there was a connection, and patriarchy and male enforcement was common ground. This is deeply feminist, but I do not mean to offend anyone. However, largely as a result of religious views, I had no voice; I could not speak. I was illegitimate. Icons are part of our culture still, if not religious. But they are co-opted, made by and for…
- abuse
- activist
- anger
- appearance
- attachment
- attraction
- authenticity
- beautiful
- beauty
- being out
- belonging
- binary
- binary fallacy
- biology
- birth
- books
- care
- change
- Charing Cross
- children
- Christmas
- climate change
- climate emergency
- clinic
- coming out
- condition
- confusing
- connectedness
- conversion therapy
- creative
- cross dressing
- crossdressing
- culture
- dance
- dancing
- data
- debate
- delays
- dementia
- despair
- detransitioning
- diagnosis
- disclosure
- dissident
- divorce
- dressing
- dysphoria
- emotion
- employment
- equality
- erasure
- exile
- expectations
- experience
- facts
- family
- fear
- feminism
- feminist
- fox
- freedom
- friends
- friendship
- GCS
- gender
- gender dysphoria
- gender queer
- genital surgery
- GRA
- gratitude
- GRC
- grief
- Grrl Alex
- GRS
- happiness
- hate
- healing
- homophobia
- honesty
- hormones
- husband
- identity
- illness
- intersex
- intimacy
- joy
- justice
- kindness
- knowledge
- language
- law
- learning
- lesbian
- LGBT
- LGBTQ
- LGBTQI
- life
- loneliness
- loss
- love
- marriage
- marriage vows
- maternal
- media
- memories
- memory
- motherhood
- muesli love
- name change
- nature
- normal
- observation
- oppression
- Orlando
- parents
- partners
- passing
- patriarchy
- perception
- permission
- philosophy
- physiology
- poet
- poetry
- Polari
- prejudice
- presentation
- pride
- privilege
- pronouns
- psychiatrist
- publishing
- raw sex
- reading
- real life experience
- recognition
- reconciliation
- regret
- relationships
- religion
- remembrance
- research
- respect
- romance
- self
- separation
- sex
- sexism
- sexuality
- spirituality
- stealth
- suicide
- surgery
- survival
- surviving
- talking
- TDOR
- terminology
- testosterone
- touch
- tradition
- trans children
- transgender
- transgender poetry
- transition
- transphobia
- transsexual
- transvestism
- trapped
- treatment
- truth
- unconditional
- understanding
- ungendered
- vulnerability
- wedding
- wife
- women
- writer
- writing
Patterns
I swear my printer says ‘rhubarb, rhubarb’
as it swings its head and spits politely on the page,
writes my words with rainbows.
It’s why I know you across a crowded bar
and have said hello to strangers by mistake
to colour with apologies in red.
It’s why there are trees on my winter glass
and Virgin Marys sanctify burnt toast
for the blessed mistaken in brown.
And clouds are far countries where peace
reigns despite the castles melting into hills,
or that chimeras rear their fleeced heads.
The rain drips random from roof to sill
lulls my sleep, while a strict tap tortures me
in Chinese: tacked and tock-sick to the second.
And clocks with pendulums synchronise
when left in a room alone, like nuns whose
months listen to each other, ignore the moon.
It’s why molecules love each other or repel
in blind recognition of affinity for how
everything falls together, or falls apart.
Make patterns and everything fits. Life
tessellates, minds made whole; vacuums
are shapeless; we hate them to death.
So we invent patterns as comforts, patchwork
hexagons mimicking bees to leave no space
and fill them with sweet nothings.
Comb our recognitions and reassurances,
find the illusions and pretence. Fillers for those
things we need to learn and now shall not.
Computers work so hard at what we do
without thinking; pattern recognition makes
automation easy as the mistaken friend.
Then Mary says ‘rhubarb’ across a crowded bar,
writing trees on the window and tapping your name.
Your pendulum swings to hers and you’re safe.
2011 © Andie Davidson
Content
She sits, paws tucked, squeezing eyes in the low late sun by the lake’s edge, under wind-weaving willow possesses in her heart a thousand drifting fish sleek and dappled and slow within her paw’s caress. Content to rest, lives uncounted beyond the first, present and only in this moment feline confidence in herself. I know, for I am she tumbled from such height counting lives, free fall yet landing on my feet and now, because I may, I am contained in a purr, content in a moment in a perfect world. 2013 © Andie Davidson
Through my eyes
Never mind the shoes, never mínd the mile
climb up inside me, reach over my smile
Adjust your seat, be comfy, and rise
until without strain you see through my eyes
Watch me knock, push the bell, and feel the start
where love is a stranger – yet still draws my heart
Scan books that tell stories of holidays and times
I, reading science and she, reading crimes
Climb steps to the loft, find childhoods stored
rummage things forgotten, and toys once adored
Feel grass underfoot where I mowed, where I lay
smell the flowers, stroke the cats, let it all go away
Clear the shed where the wood is cut into shapes
of parts of my home, of my heart, of my hopes
And now watch me turn, watch me leave it behind
see the images blur until we are blind
Is it something I said? Is it something I did?
Was I harsh or unloving? Infidelities hid?
Did I fall? Did I fail, for this all to be gone?
It was none of these things, just the way I was born.
2013 © Andie Davidson
I dreamed a dream
Talking about poetry with others, and my excitement at discovering flexibility in my forms, I found myself explaining the background to Not Rising. That seems unfair on you who can only read my blog (if you’re interested, that is!) But it explains the layers in the poem, and the echoes ran through my weekend just passed, in France with a concert band, in the midst of Reims’ Joan of Arc festival. Some time in late spring last year, I went to a Suzanne Vega concert in Brighton with my PSA (previously significant other). The end was in sight for my…