Your name is carved in the high vaulted arches in Monsal Dale where the viaduct runs, trackless, still. It is woven into the river, meandering, finding its slow rhythm in a wide plain, lying with the cattle. It is spoken in the wind, by the wings of swifts, caught in the trees and on every familiar track, played, replayed. Like the summer heat, cupped and held in this green bowl, you can never be absent, because you have been so present. And here I am, a guest. Why is my name not known, as yours? Not spoken with love in…
Unorthodox icon
I have a lasting memory of black and gold religious icons of a revered madonna. Mysterious, impassive, unjoyous. And I have abiding memories from my religious experiences of feeling that something about me was deeply wicked and unspeakable. Somehow there was a connection, and patriarchy and male enforcement was common ground. This is deeply feminist, but I do not mean to offend anyone. However, largely as a result of religious views, I had no voice; I could not speak. I was illegitimate. Icons are part of our culture still, if not religious. But they are co-opted, made by and for…
Patterns
I swear my printer says ‘rhubarb, rhubarb’
as it swings its head and spits politely on the page,
writes my words with rainbows.
It’s why I know you across a crowded bar
and have said hello to strangers by mistake
to colour with apologies in red.
It’s why there are trees on my winter glass
and Virgin Marys sanctify burnt toast
for the blessed mistaken in brown.
And clouds are far countries where peace
reigns despite the castles melting into hills,
or that chimeras rear their fleeced heads.
The rain drips random from roof to sill
lulls my sleep, while a strict tap tortures me
in Chinese: tacked and tock-sick to the second.
And clocks with pendulums synchronise
when left in a room alone, like nuns whose
months listen to each other, ignore the moon.
It’s why molecules love each other or repel
in blind recognition of affinity for how
everything falls together, or falls apart.
Make patterns and everything fits. Life
tessellates, minds made whole; vacuums
are shapeless; we hate them to death.
So we invent patterns as comforts, patchwork
hexagons mimicking bees to leave no space
and fill them with sweet nothings.
Comb our recognitions and reassurances,
find the illusions and pretence. Fillers for those
things we need to learn and now shall not.
Computers work so hard at what we do
without thinking; pattern recognition makes
automation easy as the mistaken friend.
Then Mary says ‘rhubarb’ across a crowded bar,
writing trees on the window and tapping your name.
Your pendulum swings to hers and you’re safe.
2011 © Andie Davidson
Through my eyes
Never mind the shoes, never mínd the mile
climb up inside me, reach over my smile
Adjust your seat, be comfy, and rise
until without strain you see through my eyes
Watch me knock, push the bell, and feel the start
where love is a stranger – yet still draws my heart
Scan books that tell stories of holidays and times
I, reading science and she, reading crimes
Climb steps to the loft, find childhoods stored
rummage things forgotten, and toys once adored
Feel grass underfoot where I mowed, where I lay
smell the flowers, stroke the cats, let it all go away
Clear the shed where the wood is cut into shapes
of parts of my home, of my heart, of my hopes
And now watch me turn, watch me leave it behind
see the images blur until we are blind
Is it something I said? Is it something I did?
Was I harsh or unloving? Infidelities hid?
Did I fall? Did I fail, for this all to be gone?
It was none of these things, just the way I was born.
2013 © Andie Davidson
Discharged memories: two
Tangle of wires, these threads of | life | |
disconnects between phones with | histories | |
conversations now lost in silence | in a drawer | |
in a box of decisions, | of memories | |
electrical elements, complex, | elementary | |
useful without understanding, | currency | |
with potential to make happen, | to make happy | |
sad, lose, lose times, lose friends, | lives | |
lost in a box of decisions, to keep, | rejoin | |
find phones, find friends, find family, | or | |
finally forget and forgive and forsake, | spread, | |
on a carpet of decisions, coil, | lay out | |
in a mortician’s pattern of cold | calm the | |
inevitability, the undertaking, | tears | |
of the accepting bereaved. Nothing | flowing | |
in the untangling, connections draw | out | |
together again, in the box, in the drawer, | in this | |
burial of so many a departed | conversation. |
2013 © Andie Davidson
- The initial ‘unbroken’ version of this: Discharged Memories